Or, reasons why the “typical” response to the above question doesn’t work for us.
If you lurk on wedding blogs even half as much as I have in the past 10 months, I’m sure you’ve seen this familiar real bride problem: A bride is talking to a friend/acquaintance/coworker/cousin-twice-removed, etc. who asks her outright and with no regard for etiquette, “So, am I invited to the wedding?” Naturally, she writes in to the blog asking how to politely tell someone, “sorry, but no.”
I’ve been there. Heck, I think every bride-to-be has been there. The hard reality is that guest lists have to be capped somewhere. Even ridiculously large guest lists like ours. See, there’s our problem. Because every wedding blog that I’ve read so far as suggested that the bride tell the inquirer that they are having a “small, intimate ceremony with close family and friends.” Or something to that effect. Currently sitting at a guest list with 320 people on it, our wedding is going to be anything but “small and intimate.”
Realistically, about 3/4 of that number is made up of our family and our parent’s friends. And this is one area that we don’t have much control over – we can’t tell our parents that they’re not allowed to invite certain people, because they’re graciously and generously paying for this part of the wedding. But when we’re told that there is a certain maximum number, and that 3/4 of that number is taken up by family or family friends (but mostly family…I swear I do love my large family)…it makes it a lot harder to choose which of our friends make the cut. Although our guest list is large, that number isn’t really representative of the number of non-family members that we’re inviting. We’ve cut +1’s from all of the people we can realistically cut +1’s for. We’ve cut people we haven’t seen in the past year. We’ve cut and cut and cut…and we’re still lightyears away from anything that could be considered “small and intimate.” At the end of the day, I know that we’ll be happy to be celebrating our wedding with all of our family and our closest friends, but getting to that process is a bit painful, I’ll admit.
So what do we say to those friends who expect to be invited, but aren’t? “Well, we have a lot of family on both sides and so we’re only allowed to invite a certain, much smaller amount of friends. Sorry, you just didn’t make the cut.” Honestly, as abrasive as that sounds, I’m starting to think it’s our only option.
So if you ask me if you’re invited, and I awkwardly fumble with my words trying to come up with a polite-sounding answer…just take that as a “no.” And please, don’t take it personally, because these decisions have been really hard ones to make.
Has the standard blog-suggested response worked for you in the past? How have you responded to people asking if they were invited to your wedding…when they weren’t?