When it’s ok to be scared

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I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while, so I figured that it would be perfect to write this for Halloween. I mean, it is the scariest day of the year, after all. So first of all, Happy Halloween!

The Harry Potter pumpkin I carved this weekend. Isn’t he cute? (Yes, I’m a Potterhead.)

I don’t love scary movies – they usually get me way more worked up than any normal person should be by a movie. But I’ve done my share of scary things. I moved to a new town and virtually started a new life when I began college in 2007. But I finally found somewhere that I fit in, and being alone for a while helped me to figure out who I really am and what I really want in life.  Four years ago, I joined the Badger Band. It was one of the most challenging things I have done in my entire life, certainly the most physically challenging. But I stuck with it, even when things got tough and I graduated after 4 years with wonderful memories and friends and a sense of accomplishment. I went to law school. If movies like Legally Blonde weren’t enough to scare me away, the state of the legal market right now should have. But I’m pursuing my dream and a career that I know is right for me. So I faced my fears.

Now, on to the really scary part. Truth be told, sometimes the prospect of getting married terrifies me.

(Source: Weddingbee)

I’m not the type of person to be scared of marriage. My parents aren’t divorced…in fact, I can’t think of a single close family member of mine who is divorced. And it’s not the actual commitment that’s scaring me – not the thought of spending the rest of my life with just one person or anything like that. Actually, those are the things that excite me most about getting married. Especially because I’m marrying one of my best friends.

What’s got me all jittery lately (still?) is that we’re continuing to do the long-distance thing…with no end in sight. In our original plans, this was supposed to have been figured out by now. We have a wedding date set and we have made millions of plans…except for when we’re going to move in together. As most of you know, this decision revolves around very important details such as when/if Shaun can find a job that he likes down here, so I’m trying to be patient. But the thought of being married but living alone for the first 2 years of our marriage is not one that I’m fond of – and I think it’s beginning to make me fear the actual wedding itself. It’s like a deadline that we all know is there, but we don’t know if we’re going to meet. And I’m not going to lie – the thought of making the drive from home to Madison the day after the wedding alone and going back to an empty apartment alone on my first real day of being married is not an especially happy one, but one that’s been invading my thoughts lately.

Lest you all think we’re just avoiding talking about these very important relationship issues, I assure you that we’re not. But no matter how many times the boy and I discuss these things, I know myself. I won’t be happy until we have a solid plan in place…one that I know we’re actually going to follow through on. I won’t feel better about this until the plan starts getting put into action. So Shaun is fully aware of my fears when it comes to this department. He continues to assure me that it will all work out and that I just have to be patient. This has led me to realize that it’s ok to to be scared sometimes, but you can’t let that fear make you lose sight of what’s really important.

In case you haven’t guessed it so far, I’m a Type A personality. I like to be in control and/or at least have some say over what’s going on in situations such as these. But here I don’t. This has been one of the first really big tests on our relationship, and it’s been a doozy. We’re still not through it, but it encourages me that we’re working through slowly day by day…and we’re still here. We’re still together and still making it work. Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint and I’m positive that this will make us a stronger couple in the end. It just sucks right now.

Did you have any challenges leading up to the wedding that weren’t necessarily related to planning? How did you work them out?

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2 responses »

  1. Pingback: More favorite shots: bridal portraits « Wedding in the 920

  2. Pingback: Pretty purchases! Also, a big announcement :) « Wedding in the 920

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